“Are They Selling Funnel Cakes Over Der?!”

January 1, 2011 / Posted by:

While most celebwhores rang in the new year by burning their nipples on a hot beach somewhere, Jessica Simpson took her bought and paid for fiance Eric Whateverhisnameis off to Aspen for the holidays. When Jessica wasn’t buying her bitch shiny baubles from fancy stores, the two were trying to stay away from Papa Joe who would crawl up in a St. Bernard costume to try to get her to drink from the barrel wrapped around his crotch. Papa Joe is never right.

You know, it looks like Jessica’s chin poured gravy all over her neck before swallowing it up in one bite, and she is dressed like a Garanimal-loving toddler with a Snooki obsession, but I sort of like it. Ugh. Andre hangovers always make me a little nice in the heart, so blame it on that.

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