Today, true love sounds like a hip bone cracking when 84-year-old Hugh Hefner got on one knee with the help of two nurses, an orderly and an EMT to propose marriage to his 24-year-old girlfriend Crystal Harris on Christmas Eve. Hugh (aka an assistant who transcribed the message at his bedside while his new soon-to-be fetus bride dabbed a little congratulatory Desitin on his nalgas) announced on his Twitter last night that he’s engaged to Crystal. This means Crystal will be his third wife. Yup, who ever said gold digging was an easy job never had to wade chin-deep in pepaw slobber and Viagra to get 0.0000085% of the Playboy empire thanks to a little thing called a prenup. Pampers is totally going to provide the wedding attire from the bride AND groom.
This is what Hugh announced last night:
Yes, the ring I gave Crystal is an engagement ring. I didn’t mean to make a mystery out of it. A very merry Christmas to all.
Yes, this is some pedophilia meets necrophilia shit, but whatever makes them happy. If a girl who was entering the world at about the same time he was entering the “Pepaws Don’t Give A Fuck” stage of his life makes Hugh happier than the sound of a Werther’s Original bag opening, then good for him. And Crystal’s gold digging game is so serious that she probably won’t break character when Hugh accidentally burps up creamed banana barf into her mouth during a kiss. You just have to slow clap for that kind of determination!
And somewhere outside of the Playboy Mansion, Holly Madison is scaling the wall with a machete in her mouth and VENGEANCE in her eyes.