Where The Hell Is Vanity Smurf?!

December 23, 2010 / Posted by:

I can look past Smurfette looking like Snooki after accidentally covering her body with liquid Ty-D-Bol instead of blended orangutans like usual, but I can NOT look past the fact that they completely left Vanity Smurf out of this new picture from The Smurfs movie! That bitch should be front and center, instead he’s completely MIA! Don’t they know that Vanity is the glittery glue that holds The Smurfs together? Who do you think held the garden hose for Smurfette as she rinsed out the bleach to turn her hair blonde (bitch ain’t natural)? It was Vanity! And who do you think keeps The Smurf village smelling like gardenias and petunias with his farts? VANITY! Vanity should be the damn star! I would be perfectly fine with this movie completely fucking my childhood in the ass without lube as long as I had something pretty to smell while it was doing it. For shame.

Coming Soon brings us the latest image from The Smurfs movie, which comes out next summer. It stars Neil Patrick Harris, Hank Azaria (as Gargamel) and the voices of: Anton Yelchin (as Clumsy Smurf), George Lopez (as Grouchy Smurf), Jonathan Winters (as Papa Smurf), Katy Perry (as Smurfette), Alan Cumming (as Gutsy Smurf), Fred Armisen (as Brainy Smurf) and John Oliver (as the voice of Vanity Smurf, not pictured).

And now here’s an interpretive dance of what an almost Vanity-free Smurf movie is doing to my childhood. The role of an almost Vanity-free Smurf movie will be played by an airport luggage trolley, and the role of my childhood will be played by a little boy in red pajamas:

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