Every time it snows, I have to put these ridiculous ass booties on my dog’s feet before we go for a walk or he’ll screech bloody murder like a drama queen when a salt pellet stings the bottom of his paws. When I first got him I didn’t know about the salt on the sidewalk thing, and when it happened I thought a stranger was going to drop a citizen’s arrest on me and confiscate my dog. One lady grabbed him, held him close and shouted into my face all angry-like, “How could you not know?!” And then as he sought shelter in her safe bosom, his eyes squinted and he gave me a look like, “You’re going down, skank.” How quickly they fucking turn. But I made it up to him by getting him four BRIGHT RED boots so he looks like Snooki wobbling down the street.
But maybe I’m doing it all wrong. Maybe the old dude above knows the real way. Maybe I should protect my dog’s paws by carrying him on my shoulders like we’re a 2-bitch cheerleading squad. And I’ll even get a shot of warmth when he pees on my damn neck! However, I’m not going to play that fancy ass background music for him as we stroll. I have to draw the line somewhere.