Seen here flashing a scar she got on her head from trying to make a really deep thought that one time, Heidi Montag is still crying Botox tears of sadness to Life & Style about how having 20 plastic surgeries a year ago has left her body bruised and scarred like a Spider-Man cast member. Yeah, fuck those needy orphans who will be sad on Christmas morning because their stockings will be empty. Pour all your sympathy into Heidi’s cup instead. And FYI: When trying to push out a tear for Heidi, the tension might cause you to push out a slightly wet fart instead. That’ll work too.
Heidi cries to Life & Style that trying to turn herself into a Chrissy Crocker Real Doll has left her factory defected in every single way including: “a 2-inch-long raised blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a horrifying jagged line behind her ears from having her ears pinned back, lumpy legs and four spots left on her lower back and below the buttocks from botched liposuction, a bright-red mark inside her right nostril, uneven boobs, a stretched mark on her chest and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job.”
Heidi, whose very own Dr. Frankenstein died in a car crash, went on to say that every time she looks at her scars she’s reminded of the mistake she made. And then she low-blowed her dead plastic surgeon with this: “People have fewer scars from car accidents than I have on my body.”
And then she also low-blowed Edward Scissorhands when she said this: “I would love to not be ‘plastic girl’ or whatever they call me. Surgery ruined my career and my personal life and just brought a lot of negativity into my world. I wish I could jump into a time machine and take it all back. Instead, I’m always going to feel like Edward Scissorhands.”
And yet she still has to have another surgery to get the talking pus-filled hemorrhoid known as Spencer Pratt removed from her ass. But I do love how it was only a year ago when she was queefing happiness over her new plastic body…..while collecting a check. And now she’s repeatedly crying about how much she hates her new body…..while collecting a check. I wonder what Heidi’s next trick will be? It’s a shame that the plastic surgeon removed most of her internal organs and lady parts to give her a thinner waist, because how is she going to kick the Teen Moms off all the tabloid covers by declaring that she’s knocked up?