The Mastermind Behind Sandra Lee’s Kwanzaa Cake Confesses Her Sins

December 16, 2010 / Posted by:

By now, many of you have already caught a temporary case of the dry heaves from watching the new First Lady of New York Sandra Lee work her dark-sided black magic all over a creation she dubbed THE KWANZAA CAKE! The Kwanzaa cake was not only named after the African American holiday, but it was also named after the sound your throat makes when you try to swallow a piece of that mess. But drunk ass Sandra Lee isn’t the only one to blame for inflicting a frosted stomach virus on the world.

Food stylist Denise Vivaldo has slid into a confessional booth at the Huffington Post to ask for forgiveness for putting store-bought angel food cake, Corn Nuts, apple filling, popcorn, vanilla frosting and pumpkin seeds together in one recipe. Denise started her confession by saying she wrote several recipes under contract for Sandra Lee including Chanukah cake. Obviously, Denise is not under contract with Sandra anymore, because if she was she wouldn’t be able to write this out loud:

I can honestly say Ms. Lee had nothing against African Americans or Jews. She just has incredibly bad food taste. She was not discriminating about who would be harmed from her culinary “creations.” Think what your taste would be like if you came from carnival or circus people. Did I just offend Paris Hilton?

When the Angel Food Cake Collection came to life, Ms. Lee was converting to Judaism herself for her new husband and she seriously wanted to bring her new “cuisine” to an entire nation. Well, let’s put it this way, she wanted to sell a shitload of books. And she did. She wanted fame and money. And she succeeded. I believe that’s often thought of as the American dream by many, isn’t it? Note to all American Dreamers: This may be a good time to take a look inward.

Denise then gets to the part about how she created culinary diarrhea which later spewed out of Sandra’s mouth and finger tips:

Ms. Lee called and though we were done with the book, she needed at least ten extra angel food cakes for “fun” sugary holiday times to sell to a magazine. Just a reader’s note, it wasn’t Gourmet, but the magazine I designed those “adorable cakes” for is still in business.

Read it and weep.

Please ask yourself, what would you have done in my place? See how that Kwanzaa cake is looking better from my perspective? I will tell you truly, the candles were her idea.

I guess I imagined something more refined. And I know the Corn Nuts were disgusting, but she didn’t. As a matter of fact, the more tasteless the recipes got the more she liked them, the faster she approved them, and I could get home and drink some medium-priced wine after our meetings. She’s not a good role model for abstinence.

So there you go! Now you have another name to curse when you’re sitting on the toilet with a barf bin in your lap after thinking it would be a fucking hilarious idea to make and eat the Kwanzaa Cake during Kwanzaa.

But you know, that cake might work if you throw it in the blender with an entire bottle of vodka. A Kwanzaacake-tini, if you will! I’m actually surprised that Sandrunk Lee hasn’t already tried that shit.

via Eater (Thanks Michele & Bob)

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