Somebody Is Stalking Lindsay Lohan

December 16, 2010 / Posted by:

And it’s not the Lohanatic in the picture above. I think. No, I know, because he would never call up Lindsay Lohan and leave mean and hurtful messages about her addictions and recovery. Who would ever do that?! Don’t they know that if Lindsay wants to get an ear full of cuntified hate she just has to put her browser in talk mode and pull up any post about her on this here site? The stalker is wasting their minutes.

Sources tell TMZ that Lindsay Lohan has regularly been getting harassing phone calls and text messages from Regina George an unknown stalker. The stalker froze LiLo’s freckles with fear when they practically sang out an extra creepy version of “Every Breath You Take” by saying that they know where she is and are watching her. Betty Ford is handling this shit by moving LiLo to a safer place and have told her to stay inside as much as possible.

Oh, Lindsay, Michael Lohan is just trying to deliver his Christmas present to you again. That’s all. You know, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was White Oprah with a voice changer calling from a pay phone outside of the bathrooms at her favorite bar. Anything to keep the Lohan name at the top of TMZ’s page. “The call is coming from inside of the T.G.I. Friday’s on Long Island! OMG!” – LiLo

This is no laughing matter, though. This is serious business and should be treated as such. The FBI should scoop up the entire Lohan family, change their names, transplant them into a small Eastern European village, force them to get Face/Off surgery with a German family, and wire their jaws shut so the secret of their true identity never audibly spills out when they’re drunk. It’s for their own good.

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