The Brangeloonies Have Failed Their GOD!!!!

December 13, 2010 / Posted by:

The hardcore Brangeloonies of the world declared this past weekend a religious holiday and they observed this by dropping their hard-earned dollars into the donation basket (aka Fandango) and bowing to every single sermon (aka every single showing of The Tourist) at their local place of worship (aka an AMC). Their worshiping and dedication failed to take their HOLY GOD higher, because The Tourist disappointed at the box office this weekend by only bringing in $17 million. The Brangeloonies will punish themselves with 100 lashes to the face (aka watching the first thirty minutes of The Bounty Hunter).

Box Office Mojo says that The Tourist landed in the #2 spot after The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, which also sort of flopped domestically by earning only $24.5 million. Some fancy movie experts are blaming this weekend’s box office on SNOWFLAKES! You know, because bitches were practically freezing their culitos off and they didn’t want to pay $12 to freeze it some more on St. Angie’s icicle-inducing glares. CULOS WERE AT STAKE!

E! News says that The Tourist cost around $100 million to make and there’s a chance it could make its budget back overseas but that’s not looking good either. The Tourist, which also opened in a few other countries, brought in $25 million worldwide while Narnia’s worldwide gross is at $105.5 million.

I didn’t see The Tourist this weekend, because I prefer to nibble on a turkey in the comfort of my own bong room, but I’ve already added that greasy mess to my Netflix queue (since it’s probably coming out next week on DVD). I mean, I love a mess that brings out the cuntness in reviewers:

“In a year of craptaculars, The Tourist deserves burial at the bottom of the 2010 dung heap.” – Rolling Stone

“It’s actually rare for me to see a film that is such an utter failure on so many levels.” – 7M Pictures

“Boring, bland and self indulgent Vanity piece for Angelina Jolie.” – Eclipse Magazine

“My mother is going to love this movie.” – UGO

SOLD!

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