You Can’t Keep A Good Aretha Down

A dark cloud blew into the dusty ashglobe in my chest yesterday when it was reported that Aretha Franklin is down and out with a life-threatening disease. Some say that the disease is cancer, and others specifically said it’s incurable pancreatic cancer. Aretha’s publicist has Super Glued his lips shut about this topic and has yet to release any kind of statement about her condition or what’s keeping her laid up in a hospital bed. But Aretha’s cousin (It’s always the cousin!) Brenda Corbett tells the Detroit Free Press (via AP) that the Queen will be back to hollerin’ her wig off on stage in the late spring or early summer.

Cousin Brenda put it like this: “Aretha is doing better than doctors expected. She has a long life in front of her and will be back in concert, on stage, late spring or early summer. This girl is doing great, and they (The National Enquirer) need to stop it.”

Aretha’s sister-in-law Earline wouldn’t even put the tip of her finger on The National Enquirer story, but she did say this: “Aretha is doing absolutely wonderful. All the prayers and well wishes have supported her, and she’s doing well.” BUT another one of Aretha’s relatives who wished to remain nameless confirmed The National Enquirer story and said it is pancreatic cancer.

Why do we all have that one “I wish to remain nameless” relative in our family? You know that bitch. That one family member who whispers like it was their major in community college. They’re always huddled in the corner with your auntie talking shush-like. When their eyes catch your eyes staring at them, they straighten up and switch gears. When you ask them what they were talking about, they look you in the eyelashes and say some shit like, “Just talking about how the El Pollo Loco rice is soggy.” And you’re thinking to yourself, “I know who’s getting a 98 cent gift certificate to the 99 Cent Store this Christmas!”

And just for the record, Cousin Kelly, I wasn’t lying about the El Pollo Loco rice being soggy! It really was!