Keith Richards: Orchid Murderer

Keith Richards has struck again! When mud monster Keef isn’t striking fear into the hearts of Swedish journalists, or chasing American teenagers in their nightmares, he’s murdering orchids! According to Page Six, Marie d’Origny, the deputy director of The New York Public Library, came running out of her office screaming BLOODY FUCKING MURDER when she found her small orchid dead! As the orchid lay there quivering on her desk, Marie put her ear up to its column as it weakly cooed out, “Keef did it.” DAMN THAT KEEF!

Just days before Marie’s orchid died a slow death, Keef was in her office waiting to go on stage for a live interview. Smoking is illegal in the library, but Keef can do whatever the hell he wants so he lit up a cig and dropped his ashes into the clay saucer underneath the orchid. The smoke choked out the orchid and it never recovered. And staring into the eye of the gargoyle Medusa didn’t help either.

In Keith’s defense, orchids are fragile as fragile can be. Someone gave me an orchid once and that bitch died within a day. It wasn’t about to go out like Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient. All parched and thirsty and shit. Nope, it knew its fate so it pulled its own plug early. Don’t get me wrong, Keith could split a catcus by flinching at it too fast, but the orchid is still the Chace Crawford of plants.