UPDATE: The Prayer Vigil Worked!

God is obviously a tits man (I can already feel my abuelita’s switch triple slapping my hands for that one) because he anointed himself the head conductor of Aretha Franklin’s mystery surgery and led her doctors to success! That’s what Aretha said anyway in a statement to USA Today following the surgery for an ailment she doesn’t want to discuss (areola lift?). A small prayer vigil was held for Aretha in Downtown Detroit on Wednesday night and Queen Aretha thanked them for rebuking the ills (or whatever is keeping her down) from her being:

“The surgery was highly successful. God is still in control. I had superb doctors and nurses whom were blessed by all the prayers of the city and the country. God bless you all for your prayers!

The Queen of Soul, Ms. Aretha Franklin”

You hear that, Stevie Johnson? God’s (wearing his strongest weight lifting belt) got Aretha’s back, so don’t mad the next time you screw up a touchdown. God’s got more important things to tend to like the downsizing of Aretha’s mammary mountains. That’s what I’m guessing this “mystery surgery” is anyway and strangely enough it’s not making me throw a black veil over my nipples and wail out in mourning. I understand. Aretha’s spine needs a vacation. Like a toothpick holding up two turduckens. Arethan’s chichis will always be magnificent to me even though her cleavage will no longer be able to hide every item on the Dollar Menu.