Sarah Jessica Parker Is Like A Wilting Flower

December 3, 2010 / Posted by:

Sarah Jessica Parker tells Elle Magazine that like most living things in this world (excluding the ageless Shauna Sand, of course) she’s getting old and she can already see herself entering the matinee buffet phase of her life, but she refuses to chop and stretch her face out of fear that she’ll look like something you might find in Jocelyn Wildenstein’s stables. Yes, getting old is scarier than a Ke$ha video!

Although, it’s really not. I can’t wait for that shit, because that’s when you really don’t have to give a fuck about anything. Is that kid kicking the back of your chair making your last nerve splinter? Curse that brat out and tell ’em Santy Claus is made of lies (no, he’s not). Use the “BUT I”M OLD” defense in a court of law and you’ll get an automatic NOT GUILTY!

When I was at the theater the other day, some pepaw passed out and started snoring so loudly that I’m sure he melted every box of Breathe Right at the Duane Reade down the street. At first I loaded a “STFU” onto the tip of my tongue, but then I realized he’s old. I almost wanted to cover him with a chenille throw and have a plate of warm chamomile cookies waiting for him so he has something sweet to nibble on after his nap. See. Getting old is getting RIGHT. I can’t wait until my state of mind is permanently set to WHO GIVES A FUCK (no question mark needed).

Anyways, here’s a couple of quotes SJP neighed out to Elle:

On meeting her babies squared: “[Meeting them] is hard to describe. Everything is suspended. I can’t even tell you what other sounds were in the room. I loved them immediately, but everything–their size, the shape of their heads, the color of their hair, their noses, their eyes–was new to me. They looked surprisingly different from James Wilkie, which I wasn’t expecting.”

On how her aging face is like something out of Planet Earth: “I don’t know what I can do about the aging. Yes, I am aging. Oh my God, I’m aging all the time. It’s like those flowers that wilt in front of you in time-lapse films. But what can I possibly do? Look like a lunatic?”

Who needs to go under the knife anyway when you’ve got a dozen Photoshop tools to erase your wrinkles and make your skin looks like it’s manufactured by Rubbermaid. And what did they do to her eyes?! They gave SJP those BLACK SWAN demon eyes. It’s making me want to shake her while screaming, “What happened to my sweet girl!!!!?

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