In Downtown Detroit last night, loyal subjects of Aretha Franklin quietly gathered together to bow their breasts and send a million prayers into the December air to protect the Queen. Queen Aretha has been suffering from medical issue after medical issue after she fell down in the tub a little while ago. Aretha canceled all of her concerts and appearances until May so that she can be fully healed when she goes back to bear hugging your soul with her glorious voice.
The Huffington Post reports that Aretha is undergoing a medical procedure today, so Detroit’s Councilwoman JoAnne Watson organized a prayer vigil in her honor last night. Aretha’s rep, Tracey Jordan (who I’m sure looks like this), thanked everyone for showering her with prayers and good thoughts, but when asked what the medical procedure is for he ripped off Aretha’s ailin’ wig and slapped a trick with it.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll stay it again. Everyone’s nipples will shrivel up and fall off if anything happens to Aretha, so stop putting an extra heaping serving of Whipped Lightning on your afternoon coffee and send a good thought her way!
(Thanks to all who sent this in)