How Tommy Stays Cover Girl Fresh

December 1, 2010 / Posted by:

There’s a good reason for why a seductive voice whispers “Maybe she’s born with it?” into your head whenever a picture of Tommy Cooze grace your presence. Fun fact: That’s Xenu doing the whispering. Yeah, that’s what he sounds like. Weird, right? But I digress!

When Tommy is bent over in front of a full-length mirror down in his mancave, he can’t focus because he’s too busy freaking out over the olds creeping onto his face. There’s lines! There’s wrinkles! So what’s a bitch who refuses to hold middle-age’s hand to do?! The National Enquirer says that Tommy raids Katie Holmes’ make-up drawer for anything and everything that make his face look as taut and glowing as the ass cheeks on a Palm Springs power bottom twink.

A source type says, “Tom is in major midlife crisis mode. He’s freaking out over the new lines on his face, the gray hairs on his head and on his face when he shaves. He has started applying Katie’s high-priced facial creams, cleansers and even her makeup – and he loves the results! He even slathers on Katie’s foundation before public events and lightly applies her mascara to make his eyelashes look fuller. Katie is horrified that Tom has resorted to raiding her beauty supplies.”

This source really expects us to believe that Tommy is scrounging through Katie’s used shit? Tommy is not some simple bitch. Tommy has his very own beauty studio complete with Hollywood lights and a team of male make-up artistes. Tommy glides in, slips into a satin robe, tucks his hair into a turban and lays back as his beauty slaves give him facial after facial. Afterward, they have to do that graceful “ooooh aaaaaaah” hand dance over Tommy’s face like in Madge’s Vogue video. It frames the glamour. Yea, it’s totally annoying, but Tommy knows that no beauty treatment is complete without the hand dance.

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