Do We Have To Start Calling Burlesque “Flopesque”?

November 28, 2010 / Posted by:

Well, according to both E! News and Box Office the answer is a surprising NO (for now)! Chertina didn’t exactly sit Harry Potter’s ass down or kick that cartoon Rapunzel trick down the spiral staircase, but Burlesque didn’t completely flop either. It brought in around $17.2 million for the 5-day weekend coming in at #4 behind Megamind, Tangled and Harry Potter. Burlesque could’ve made $17,200,012 this weekend if my ass went to see it, but I couldn’t be bothered. Not this weekend and I have a good reason for it!

The last few times I’ve been to the movies, I’ve sat behind bitches with the fattest coats imaginable. I’m talking a huge fur-lined jacket that could overheat Nanook of the North and Snow Miser. Shit that adds 20 pounds to your body and comes with a label warning you that it could give you the wrong kind of fever if worn too long. When I went to see 127 Hours (aka the movie where James Franco does water sports with himself to survive), some dumb whore in front of me spent a full 10-minutes wrapping his Stay Puft Parka around the back of his chair. When he was done, his giant hood was touching my knee. I HATE THAT RUDE SHIT! I don’t want your ugly ass hood violating my privacy! I don’t want it kissing my knee without permission! Keep your hood to yourself! Luckily, dude got the hint when I nudged his hood a bit. He tucked that shit in where it belongs. But the next time I’m not going to be so lucky…

If I went to see Burlesque in the theater, I can just imagine some grouchy old queen wrapping his satin purple parka over the back of his chair like he’s some empress. I can also imagine one of his bed bugs gracefully pirouetting off of his hood and right on to my knee. This would cause me to CAN CAN KICK up his hood so that it hit him in the back of the head. He’d turn around and throw me a cunt glare before pushing his hood back onto my knee. So I’d knee kick his hood harder this time and add a little lip smack to it. He’d huff, I’d puff and it would be lights out for all of us. I’d wake up in a court room on Monday morning with an eyeball missing, patches of hair pulled out of my head and a judge asking me to answer to the charges of attempted murder by strangulation with Red Vines. And all because of BURLESQUE! If Cher opened up her own church I’d gladly be an altar gay, but I can’t do 10-20 years in prison for her. No. I’ll Netflix Stream that shit.

Anyway, here’s how the rest of the weekend’s box office (Wed to Sun) looked:

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 – $76.3 million
2. Tangled – $69 million
3. Megamind – $17.6 million
4. Burlesque – $17.2 million
5. Unstoppable – $16.2 million
6. Love and Other Drugs – $14 million
7. Faster – $12.2 million
8. Due Date – $10.4 million
9. The Next Three Days – $6.6 million
10. Morning Glory – $5.5 million

WAIT! Jakey’s ass cheeks and Anne’s nipples only brought in $14 million?! This country…… But I can’t do 10 to 20 years in prison for Jakey’s ass cheeks either.

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