Popeater says that this Thanksgiving, St. Angie will gather her child army in a circle and recite Christina Ricci’s “thanks for letting all us white people kill the Indians and steal their tribal land” speech from The Ice Storm instead of giving them a turkey dinner. Brad Pitt might have told Extra that his family is going to “whip up a turkey” somewhere, but Popeater’s sources say that St. Angie wants nothing to do with it! So take off that pilgrim costume and pull the chosen ones out of that cornucopia, Maddox, because Thanksgiving is CANCELED!
One of Brangelina’s friends explain, “Angelina Jolie hates this holiday and wants no part in rewriting history like so many other Americans. To celebrate what the white settlers did to the native Indians, the domination of one culture over another, just isn’t her style. She definitely doesn’t want to teach her multi-cultural family how to celebrate a story of murder. Angelina gets so grossed out by Thanksgiving that she has made sure her family will not be in America this year on Thursday.”
But that know-it-all bitch Wikipedia tells me that the reason why I shove my head in a bowl of cranberries and rinse out my face with pumpkin pie vodka is because it’s how I give thanks for a bountiful liquor cabinet, or something like that.
But really, the real reason St. Angie hates Thanksgiving is because she doesn’t appreciate everybody at the table screaming “Pass the mashed potatoes, gravy, pie, biscuits, yams, buttermilk to ANGIE!!!” And she also doesn’t appreciate her kids throwing her judgmental side-eyes when she feasts on wisps of air while they devour turkey legs. So if Maddox keeps his eyes down, Thanksgiving will be restored again!