Papa Joe sucks at picking out a bought piece for his daughter Jessica. I mean, word is that Eric Johnson’s checking account is a MAN DOWN CODE 10 SITUATION and he’s a VEGAN! Jessica “Real Girls Eat Meat” Simpson is spreading her glazed ham cheeks all over a VEGAN! Jessica’s farts are meatier than a Brazilian barbecue, so an extra serving of vom must come up Eric’s froat when she dutch ovens him. Jessica puts creamed beef in her morning coffee and brushes her teeth with pork paste on a Slim Jim, so how is this going to work exactly? Eric must be serious about his gold digging.
Because Jessica is filled with more meat than John Travolta on a Saturday night, she’s not really looking forward to having a vegan Thanksgiving tomorrow. Jessica tells Jimmy Fallon (via People) that she’s afraid of sticking Tofurky in her mouth, because it’s going to be all “jiggly and weird.” Tofurky is like, “Speak for yourself, heffah!”
Jessica had this shit to say about eating potatoes with no cream and yams without condensed milk, “After getting out of the NFL, [Eric] went to this healer and is very healthy. For Thanksgiving we have to make a Tofurkey! It doesn’t sound right! It’s gonna be jiggly and weird. I’m from Texas – I’d fry a steak. We eat all casseroles and giblets!”
The last time I ate Tofurky, I had to wrap my piece in bacon, dip it in Bisquick, throw it in the Fry Daddy and sprinkle chunks of steak fat on top of it in order to get it down my throat so I feel her pain (no, I don’t). Eric should just cover Jessica’s Tofurky with spray chocolate if he wants her to eat that shit without crying about how it’s making her feel all weird inside.
Or if Eric wants to keep her off turkey for the rest of the year, he can tell her that due a giant batch of hormones getting mixed-up with IVF, every single turkey comes complete with a turkey fetus inside of it this year:
Here’s Jessica and her paid piece leaving their hotel in NYC last night.