Dear Canada, You Saved The Quaids’ Lives!!!!
When Cousin Eddie and his Bride of CRAZYSTEIN celebrate American Thanksgiving this Thursday by burning an effigy of the Hollywood Whackers (aka a blow-up doll paper mached with back copies of Variety) in the parking lot of Safeway in Vancouver, they are going to take a quick moment to say a “thank you” chant to Canada for SAVING THEIR LIVES! At Randy and Evi’s hearing this afternoon with Canada’s Immigration Board, he gave thanks and said that if it wasn’t for the country’s refugee system he’d hanging out with David Carradine and Heath Ledger up in heaven.
In case the Hollywood Whackers penetrated through your roasting bag hat and zapped the part of your brain that remembered Randy and Evi’s ordeal, they are currently hiding out in Canada after skipping a few court hearings in Santa Barbara, CA. The Crazy Quaids want to stay in Canada, because they believe a secret underground Hollywood mafia is trying to GIT ‘EM!
The hearing today was to determine if Canada is going to brand Randy and Evi’s asses with a giant REFUGEE stamp. But the hearing was postponed until next month, because the Quaids’ lawyer says she needs more time to go over their giant file. Yeah, it must take a steady eyeball and a few shots of strong shit to figure out all the conspiracy theories the Quaids have written on dozens of fast food bags.
So, there you go. The Quaids are all yours, Canada! Baptize them in maple syrup and embrace them! It shouldn’t be hard to accept them as yours since Evi looked kind of hot at the hearing today. But I might only be saying that because she looks like a malnourished male make-up artist who gives makeovers to old ladies at the MAC counter by day, and then performs in drag as a singing Bette Davis by night. Yeah, Evi’s “drag queen without her make-up on” face is totally doing things to me!
