Kim Zolciak Is Knocked Up After All

Expect tone deaf songstress Kim Zolciak to choke out an acoustic lullaby version of “Tightrope” called “Umbilical Cord“, because she has admitted that there’s a BABY!!!! growing in her 32-year-old (there will NEVER be enough notarized receipts to convince me of this) womb! After denying that she’s now wearing a “baby bakin’ wig” on her head, Kim has confirmed on the cover of Life & Style that she’s carrying her boyfriend Kroy Biermann’s kid.

Kim says that she shook her NO about the baby rumors a few weeks ago, because she wasn’t past her first trimester yet. But now that she’s three months pregnant and Life & Style waved a big enough check at her face, she’s ready to talk about it. Kim says, “While it wasn’t planned, God clearly has a bigger and better plan for us and we’re excited. I definitely don’t want to get married while I’m pregnant. But I can see myself marrying Kroy in the future.”

Kroy is a 25-year-old pro football player, so I’m guessing that the only thing he sees in his future right now is vagina, vagina, vagina, more vagina, and even more vagina. Preferably vagina that doesn’t have a baby head popping out of it.

During last night’s episode of RHOA, Kim said that Kroy had an ass so tight that you could bounce a quarter off that shit (and I’m sure he’s now wishing that his jizz fishes bounced off her egg). Kroy can play that touching and beautiful moment for his future child during one of his court-appointed visits.