Tony Parker Files For Divorce In Texas

Tony Parker is showing Eva Longoria that she’s not the only ho who can file papers to legally quit a bitch. When Eva made a move to remove Tony’s shifty peen from her life forever by filing for divorce in Los Angeles, there were rumors that she talked him out of filing in Texas. Tony said “no no no no no” to that shit, but look who just dropped his own highly important documents into the divorce box in Texas. Ken Paves better hold a splatter guard in front of his precious face, because shit is getting messy messy messy.

TMZ says that Tony probably filed in Bexar County, Texas, because it takes less time to finalize divorces over there. A CA divorce can drag on for centuries, but in Texas they squeeze their cheeks and cut that shit in about 60 days. In Eva’s papers, she mentions that there’s a prenup in place and that she wants spousal support from Tony, but his documents only state: “Petitioner believes Petitioner and Respondent will enter into an agreement for the division of their estate.”

As for the reason why their marriage is throwing itself in front of a fast-moving train, Tony says in the documents: “The marriage has become insupportable because of discord or conflict of personalities between Petitioner and Respondent that destroys the legitimate ends of the marriage relationships and prevents any reasonable expectation of reconciliation.”

Translation: They are both sick of Eva having to perform the “Smell Yo Dick” check every time Tony comes home.

You know, Tony has a face like a cartoon villain so I’m not surprised that he’s pulling some sneaky moves. Seriously, Tony probably perked up his “I’ll git you my pretty” eyebrow and stroked his imaginary curly moustache when he filed those papers in Texas. And it’s just beginning! I swear, this is going to end with Eva and Tony hanging onto the giant chandelier in the foyer of their mansion. I can’t wait!