When Lindsay Lohan’s name did the flamenco off of Fishsticks Paltrow’s tongue on last night’s episode of Glee, I just knew that at a sports bar on Long Island somewhere LiLo’s mother White Oprah just fell off her pleather burgundy stool. And not because her 4th Jägerbomb screwed with her balance like a sock on a cat’s waist. It’s because she was leaning over to pull out her phone in her purse to call her LAWYAHS! If you were thinking the same thing, we were all right! Glee better watch it, because the train of delusional has pulled into their station.
In the episode, Fishy played a substitute Spanish teacher who used the trial and tribulations of the mess that is Lindsay Lohan in her lesson. Fishy asked questions in Spanish like “Lindsey Lohan is totally crazy, right?” and “How many times has Lindsay Lohan been to rehab?” Questions that pinche puta loca White Oprah doesn’t know the answer to in ANY language.
White Oprah thinks it’s shameless and tasteless that Glee mocked her poor child’s situation. You know what isn’t shameless and tasteless? White Oprah going on the Today show to run her gross talk hole about her poor child’s situation. No, that shit isn’t shameless and tasteless at all. NEVAH.
White Oprah tells Gossip Cop that her lawyers “are sending a letter to Glee on the grounds that the show allegedly defamed” her daughter. LiLo’s spokeswhore added, “Lindsay has an issue that millions of people around the world are dealing with yet ‘Glee’ is treating addiction as a laughing matter.” You know what isn’t treating addiction as a laughing matter? Going on the VMAs and making fun of your own addictions. No, that shit isn’t treating addiction as a laughing matter. NEVAH.
But seriously, Glee better just send everyone home, because White Oprah has this. It worked with E-Trade. When she’s done the writers won’t even have a pen or paper to write the scripts on, Sue Sylvester won’t have a red tracksuit to put on and Fishsticks will have to downgrade from a 50-room English manor to her mother’s basement apartment. Or Glee can settle with White Oprah by giving her a role as a woman whose mouth somehow gets stuck to Mr. Schue’s left nipple for the rest of the season. Glee should take the deal.