Shhh! Don’t Even Coo At The Baby!

I’m not sure if this is the best thing or the worst thing for a newborn baby who has just smushed his head through the Xenu portal of life and is staring straight into the crooked lacefront of John Travolta. The Scientology birthing ritual of eating your “Mah Pussay is Exploding” screams before they come out of your mouth is widely known, but I’ve never heard this mess before. A source close to John Travolta and Kelly Preston tells Popeater that not only do they have to keep their mouths firmly shut in the labor room, but Scientology rules state that they shouldn’t speak words to Baby Benjamin for 7 days. LRo, you crazy for this one!

Kelly tried to follow the rules of her intergalactic leader when she gave birth to her daughter Ella, but she had to quit that shit when her 13th hour of labor rolled around. But she’s determined to stick with the rules this time. A source went on to say, “The couple will follow the church’s guidelines during delivery. No music, no talking and no screaming will be allowed during the pains of labor. Also their new son cannot be prodded for medical tests or spoken to for the first seven days of his life. You don’t want to do anything that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.”

The “haunt them for the rest of their lives” part is way too easy, so let’s just let it kick at itself on the floor while we watch. But back to the no talking to baby crap. On one hand, having to listen to Mama John and Auntie Tommy sing you a lullaby duet will make you beg your Thetans to take you with them when they jump ship. So the “no talking” rule works in Benjamin’s favor there. However, how is Suri going to tell Benjamin what the secret password to the safe house is if she’s not allowed to talk to him?!