Like Papa Joe Is Going To Let This Happen

Papa Joe knows that Jessica Simpson’s marriage to that Eric Johnson dude is going to last about as long a red velvet whoopie pie in front of her face, which is why he used Flex Pay to buy the cheapest ruby, diamond and yellow gold engagement ring on HSN. This is also why there’s no way he’s going to let her exchange vows with Eric without slipping a money condom (aka a prenup) over their marriage first.

Popeater says that Jessica’s basic ass believes that the fart bubble enveloping their love will never pop, so she’s not going to ask Eric to sign a prenup. Jessica didn’t do it with Nick Lachey and his ass sashayed away with $10 million between his succulent man chichis. But a source says that as her manager Papa Joe gets 10% of Jessica’s $100 million fortune and so he’s not going to let Eric Johnson mess with his money. The source went on to say, “At the moment, Joe is sitting back and being a great father, supporting his daughter and his future son-in-law. However, you can bet after all the excitement has died down, Joe is going to do everything in his power to make sure Jessica doesn’t walk down the aisle until Eric signs away any right he might have to Jessica’s enormous fortune.”

Eric barely finalized his divorce from his wife of 5 years a quick minute ago and he’s only been nibbling on Jessica’s coochieronies for a few months.

When Papa Joe’s eyeballs aren’t awkwardly glued to Chestica’s chesticles, they’re glued to her checking account. He’s going to do whatever it takes to get Jessica to sign a prenup, even if it means getting seriously serious. Papa is going to sit Jessica down and lay 10 Twinkies out on the table. Then he’s going to tell her that if Eric files for divorce after realizing that he can no longer deal with her burping into his b-hole during a salad tossing, he could take up to 5 of her 10 Twinkies in a settlement. That will set her right! When all else fails, bring Twinkies into it!