Who Is John Mayer Humping On Today?

November 10, 2010 / Posted by:

Below is a problem Professor CDAN added to the FATs (Fuckery Aptitude Test) in November of last year:

Spectacular is the one word to describe today’s blind. This A list female celebrity chef was overheard in a restaurant the other day. Nothing unusual about that right? I mean people are nosy and we strain our ears. Well, it turns out this celebrity chef who is married was discussing an affair she recently had with this B list male singer with A list name recognition and reputation. She wasn’t shy about discussing the details either. I mean explicit, graphic details about what the two did to each other. Nothing out of the ordinary, but definitely not shy in recounting every last act. It does appear to have been a one time thing, but this is totally not what you expect from our chef and the image she tries to portray to the public.

If you glance over to cheat off of Star Magazine, you will find their asses writing John Mayer and Giada De Laurentiis’ names in the answer box with complete confidence. In this week’s issue, Star claims that John and Giada are cooking up a crotch pot full of stewed tomatoes and douche broth. Giada has been married for 7 years to Todd Thompson (a designer for Anthropologie) and they have a 2-year-old daughter, but Star’s sources say this didn’t stop her ass from “canoodling” (yes, that word is back from the grave) with John at The Standard Hotel’s Boom Boom Room. This is what the source saw, “John had one hand on the small of her back. They looked like two people who were going to go home together.”

A different source says that later that night, the real-life image of John and Giada going into a suite together at the Hotel Gansevoort glazed over their eyes. When Star asked Giada about this, she admitted she was at The Standard that night, but says she didn’t even run into John. And she went on to deny that he’s down low dicking her, “I’ve met him and he’s a great guy, but I just like his music. That’s all.”

One of the rules of the John Mayer Fuck Club is that you never ever talk about the John Mayer Fuck Club. If you don’t admit it, it didn’t happen and your friends and doctor will not slap you in the face for it. So maybe Giada is following this rule, but I doubt it. I’m going to choose to not believe this. Maybe the sources were mixing their meds again and ID’ed the wrong Food Network Star. Is the source sure they didn’t hear someone screaming “COCKINMYTAIL TIME!” from behind the suite’s closed doors?

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