But mostly everyone stood to shake awake all the body parts that fell asleep while Fishsticks Paltrow’s boring ass tried to sing and play guitar at the same time. NO! The Tammy Wynette of England and a woman who weighs less than one of Dolly Parton’s nipples performed “Cuntry Wrong” with Vince Gill at the CMA Awards tonight and ho looked all kinds of nervous to me. Almost as nervous as the time a waitress at a Nashville diner shook her head “no” when when Fishy asked for a room temperature glass of Voss water with an organic slice of lavender-infused lemon in it. THAT NERVOUS.
FISHY! Didn’t the Dalai Lama or whoever the hell your in-house spiritual adviser is these days teach you to picture the audience doing downward dog on a cashmere yoga mat? You know, so you can feel at home? I swear, Fishy looked like she was about to pee in her $5,000 imported French silk panties. Yes, her piss is so organic and pure that it can double as a facial toner, but still! Maybe it wasn’t a good time for her to start that kumquat seed and cucumber juice cleanse.
But Fishy managed to hold her piss AND the stick shoved up her ass at the same time, so I’ll say that she sort of kind of pulled it off.