CANADA! All you had to do was ask and we’d gladly export our own gang of permanently drunken whores for you to laugh at on TV, but nooooooo you had to go and cook up your own pot of lukewarm STD stew using homegrown and transplanted ingredients plucked from your gutters.
Instead of doing the right thing by devoting a reality show to the insane antics of Randy and Evi Quaid, Canada has decided to whip up their own Jersey Shore called Lake Shore. It’s pretty much like Jersey Shore except with a lot more “Ehs” and when one of the whores is rushed to the emergency room because his anus wart exploded against a jacuzzi jet, he won’t have to shout, “Shit, but I don’t have insurance!” Here’s the cast in the order they’re introduced on that mess of a sizzle reel above:
Sible, “The Turk” – Most likely to get her exquisitely drawn brows smeared by the fist an angry bitch she hurls a racial slur at. Also most likely to get mistaken for Lauren Conrad at least twice.
Joey, “The Italian” – Most likely to think he’s going to get the most ass in the house but will end up getting no ass in the house (see The Situation). Also dude looks like the third runner-up in a Danny Wood look-alike contest in Chernobyl.
Anni Mei, “The Vietnamese” – Most likely to carry the smallest bag when she moves into the house since all she wears are bras, panties and oversized belts. Also bitch will touch up her make-up before she goes to bed and wake up an hour before the cameras roll to touch that shit up again. She’ll call the police when Sible dumps her make-up box into the hot tub during a fight.
Tommy Hollywood, “The Czech” – Most likely to get caught eating Salem’s ass in the middle of the night and will say he thought he was licking on Sible’s cooch. He’ll blame it all on the sake bomb he downed before bed. Also he totally sprays Axe on his no-no.
Robyn, “The Jew” – Most likely to get kicked out of the house for pouring a hot pot of poutine down Sible’s Juicy Couture sweat pants.
Salem, “The Lebanese” – Most likely to get into a huge fight with his main fruit fly in the house Robyn and then he’ll get revenge by fucking her boyfriend in the diary room. Salem is all about theatrics, so he’ll tell her to sniff his nalgas so she knows what betrayal smells like. SNAPS ALL AROUND.
Karolina, “The Pole” – Most likely to bone the entire cast and crew. ERR’BODY. She’ll have a couple of pregnancy scares and her signature line “Did I suck your dick last night?” will end up on t-shirts, lunch boxes and thongs. In case you couldn’t tell, she’s my favorite.
Downtown D, “The Albanian” – Most to likely to cry on the phone to his mommy when a club refuses to let his ass in.
It’s going to be all boozing, all dicking and all fighting. Rinse in a sink full of dirty dishes, wipe on your roommate’s jizz rag and repeat! Welcome to the pieces of trash club, Canada!