Jennifer Aniston came home late one night (okay, it was like 8) after a particularly exciting knitting circle session and she couldn’t wait to share everything with her confidantes, best friends and children. Jennifer opened the door to their room, clapped on the Winnie the Pooh floor lamp, and then the look of ecstatic happiness on her face immediately burned away and the ashes turned into a mask of PAINED TERROR! Covering the baby blue berber carpet of the nursery were mounds upon mounds of the fluffy synthetic white guts from her BEST FRIENDS! Jennifer dropped to her knees, raised her fists at the Hasbro Gods and let out a silent wail that could only be heard throughout the stuffed animal section at Toys ‘R Us.
Who would do this? Who would be evil and vengeful enough to commit a STUFFED ANIMAL MASSACRE! And then a cold wind softly touched one of the tears running down Jennifer’s cheek which made her turn to an open window in the room. And there she saw it….a single piece of black cotton fabric stuck to a nail in the windowsill. Jennifer knew and as she stared down at her hands filled with her fallen soulmates’ guts she made a silent promise to them to get REVENGE AT ANY COST!!!
Cut to Maddox Jolie-Pitt sashaying into the NYC premiere of Megamind last night with a smug smirk that washed all over his face as soon as he slipped on the luxurious coat made from the pelts of his arch rival’s precious friends. Aniston: 0, Maddox de Vil: I lost count.
And as I try to tally up all of Maddox’s victories, you can spend a little time with these pictures of Brad Pitt, Tina Fey and Ben Stiller at last night’s premiere. After looking at Brad Pitt’s dozed eyes, I now know what the guy at my deli sees when I stumble in to buy a jar of nacho cheese after smoking the good shit for hours in my darkened apartment.