Audrina Patridge’s mom, Mama Lynn, is the emergency room hospital bracelet on my wrist that I never EVER went to cut off, so I don’t think she needs to issue any kind of apology for giving an inspiring and beautiful sidewalk performance of “Rose’s Turn” outside of Beso on Tuesday night. In an open apology letter given to UsWeekly, Mama Lynn says she was extremely emotional (Translation: Extremely TANKED!) about her daughter’s execution from DWTS and slurred some things in the heat of the margarita…I mean moment:
“I am sincerely sorry for the negative things I said in the heat of the moment. As a mother, there is no pain in this world like seeing your children upset. I am so proud of my daughter and all she has accomplished on Dancing with the Stars. I was extremely emotional after her elimination — it just came as such a shock. I want to apologize for offending anyone.”
If anything, we should be thanking Mama Lynn! Thanking her for finally shedding a fluorescent light on something that has been plaguing me for years: WHY IS CEILING EYES FAMOUS?! If Mama Lynn never pushed Audrina out in the bathroom stall of a Yorba Linda sports bar, Audrina would’ve never ended up on The Hills, which means we would have never been introduced to the happy hour version of Mama Rose! So I’m returning Mama Lynn’s apology in a half-full Bartles & Jaymes bottle!
And in case you want to relive the magic, here’s an encore performance:
If you need a totally last-minute costume to wear to your office Halloween party later this afternoon, just go as Mama Lynn! Simply slip on an outfit from the Bebe’s outlet (which you stole from your daughter’s dirty laundry basket), superglue a Misty to your hand, pour an entire bottle of White Shoulders over your head and then booze until this sentence makes sense to you: “She’s a Polish, Catholic, fucking full-on Italian.” HAPPY JIBBY KIBBLE!