Shut Your Mouth, Kelly Preston Is Pushing Out A BABY!!!

Many many many ex members of Scientology who were lucky enough to not get tossed into a volcano by the fiery hand of Xenu upon their exit have talked openly about L. Ron Hubbard’s silent birth shenanigans. Scientologists believe that a newborn baby has already been through some serious shit and the last thing it needs is its mother’s “MAH PUSSAY IS BLOWIN’ UP” screams knocking the womb jelly out of its precious ears. During a Scientology birth, no music, talking or screeching is allowed. Can you imagine pushing out an entire human out of your twat hole and some motherfucker says to you, “SHHH.” L. Ron Hubbard IS HATEFUL!

Anyways, because of this, Radar’s news that Kelly Preston is going to stick an epidural in her tongue during labor isn’t surprising at all. Apparently, Kelly did the whole SHHH labor thing for all her children, so obviously she’s going to do it with this one. A former high-level member of Scientology explained the silent birth process like this: “One is meant to be as silent as possible so as to not give the child a ‘birth engram’ with ‘hypnotic’ type phrases and sounds that will re-stimulate him later in life. Engram is a term used in Scientology that refers to a ‘recording’ of a past painful event not normally accessible to the conscious mind.”

You might be wondering how John Travolta is going to keep from flailing and wailing like Minnie Mouse getting waxed when faced with Kelly Preston’s vagina, but that’s not going to be a problem. The most stressful thing John and Kelly have to deal with is picking out a fourth-trimester baby pillow with a silent zipper and quiet feathers.