Carey Mulligan Is Real People

October 26, 2010 / Posted by:

After Carey Mulligan and Shia LaDouche flushed their relationship down the urinal of broken hearts for the final time, she had to stay in L.A. to shoot a film. So she moved out of Shia’s fancy million dollar house and into the Best Western Hollywood Hills (not the one pictured above, obviously). Carey doesn’t need imported Swiss truffles on her pillow (stuffed with the feathers from a unicorn’s wing) every night or a toilet that uses Volvic water instead of tap. No, Carey just needs a bed and a 3-cup coffee machine. This is what Carey told People at last night’s Hollywood Film Awards:

“I don’t know why people are so down on the Best Western. They have the best sweet potato fries I’ve ever had.”

Who is talking dirt about the Best Western? Oh, I know who is. Obviously, nobody at the Daily Mail has stayed at a Best Western. That shit is nice. I mean, they have not-so-stale croissants at the breakfast bar and I’ve never once thought to myself “This pillow was totally used to suffocate a crack whore” at bedtime. That is practically luxury! I’ve stayed at some decrepit dumps that make the Best Western look like The Golden Palace.

There was this one no-tell motel in Downtown San Diego that took the goddamn cake and smashed it. At the check-in counter, they had a note taped to the bulletproof glass window that read: “We are not responsible for any bodily injuries that may occur in your room – Management.” First of all, who is this management? They are acting like they have weekly company meetings in the conference room where they throw around ideas while passing around a bagel platter. MOTEL PLEASE! Second of all, somebody actually typed out that memo on a computer with a straight face and straight fingers. Third of all, nothing makes me want to close my eyes in a strange room like knowing that if a crazed murderous bitch (aka a member of management) stabbed me in the gut in the middle of the night and I crawled down to the lobby while bleeding to death, the front desk clerk would simply point me towards the pay phone in the lobby. Yeah, but I still stayed there a second night. Well, it was like $30 a night and I didn’t want to waste my drinkin’ money!

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