Somebody Tried To MURDER Michael Lohan!!!!

A hot second after Michael Lohan issued a statement about not making statements regarding his daughter and White Oprah, this happens. Michael Lohan tells TMZ that a white man in his 50s or 60s wearing a black track suit attacked him with a shank outside of his house in Santa Monica, CA while he was getting into his car late last night. Uh huh. Let’s all do the side-eye wave and keep it there. It looks like someone completed a course in Bethany Storro’s School of NOT RIGHT Stunts.

Michael claims that an hour before the alleged attack he received a phone call from someone threatening to due harm to him. Since the most common thing Michael hears on a daily basis is “Will you bite the curb if I give you a dollar?“, he didn’t think anything of the call. But as he got into his car to go and buy some cigarettes, a dude grabbed at his gizzard neck from behind and cut at him with a sharp object. Michael tried to put up a fight but the mysterious attacker escaped into the night. Michael called 911 and blah blah blah blah blah..

Lindsay Lohan’s court hearing is today so Michael thinks that whoever cut at him doesn’t want him to show up.

White man in his 50s or 60? ALI LOHAN, choke harder next time! No, it wasn’t Ali. But I wouldn’t be surprised if Nana Lohan is sitting in her rattan rocking chair and wiping the turtle blood off the shank she made from one of her suppositories.