Like This Is Going To Happen

Lindsay Lohan firing White Oprah as her full-time pimp is about as likely as Jennifer Cuntkov’s name showing up on the admission list at heaven’s gates, but let’s kick at this story anyways.

LiLo’s team of therapists and shit at Betty Ford are telling her that she needs take a giant sharpened machete and chop off all business ties to White Oprah. A source (aka Michael Lohan butt breathing into a voice changer) tells Radar that LiLo’s counselors think her craving for bad shit dust will never go dormant unless she pulls the orange leach off of her skin. And by “orange leach” I don’t mean the gushy ball of old fake tanner that has mutated on her skin. I’m talking about White Oprah’s ass lips.

The pressure of having to feed the nostrils of several Lohans is sitting on LiLo’s shoulders and messing with her sobriety. The source went on to say, “Lindsay needs Dina to simply be her mother. Lindsay’s treatment team at Betty Ford has emphasized this to Lindsay, very, very strongly…. She is strong enough to tell Dina that she doesn’t want her to work for her anymore. It’s partly because it has been the norm for so long and Lindsay doesn’t know what her career would look like without her mom’s involvement.”

White Oprah will lose all of her “whore milkin’ powers” the second she fills out a W-2, so you will never catch her getting a job. So if LiLo cuts her off (which she won’t), White Oprah is going to push Ali Lohan out onto the ho stroll until her Styrofoam cup is filled with coins. I’ve seen Gypsy! I know how the story goes.