Michael Lohan Has A Plan

Michael Lohan needs more people. Specifically, Michael Lohan needs more people to rip that cell phone holder off of his waistband, hit him over the head with it and then drag him to the nearest career center so he can get a full-time job instead of spending his days thinking up MADCAP SCHEMES! I swear, this queefbag’s three brain cells are named Moe, Curly and Larry.

TMZ says that the genius that is Michael Lohan has produced a half-broken and flickering light bulb over his head. Since Michael Lohan is dead and buried to Lindsay Lohan, he has come up with a way to get her to pay him some mind (and she’ll want change). A source says that Michael, who has been sober for a little while, is going to throw himself off the wagon (somebody please park that wagon next to a cliff), get arrested and then check into Betty Ford.

Apparently, Michael is telling people that he’s going to try to visit LiLo at Betty Ford one more time, but if she continues to hit the ignore button on him, he will make a scene by getting drunk. Michael says that’s how much he cares about his daughter.

THIS FAMILY is the new THIS BITCH. Why is the Lohan family like this?! Why do their brains make these thoughts? Were they all nursed with baby formula from Chernobyl? Is the key ingredient in their fake tanner plutonium? Did they spend their summers at the Mayak Nuclear Waste Site? I mean, who thinks to themselves, “Oh, gee, my mess of a daughter will love me again if she sees my DRUNK UGLY FACE in rehab while she’s trying not to fill her nose with the bad shit?” Who!?

With all that being said, this is a great plan and I hope Michael Lohan sees it through. Well, who doesn’t love MADCAP SCHEMES?