The rusty aluminum file cabinet drawer marked “memories” in Keith Richards’ head is filled with a few dead dragons (yeah, he caught three or four), torn panties and different kinds of ash, but he still managed to put together the pieces to write his life story. Keith, who is what you would get if you dipped Freddy Krueger into sexy sauce (don’t deny), writes about Mick Jagger’s toddler dick, his drug days and how he thought Johnny Depp was a dealer.
There’s a million excerpts at Rolling Stone, but here’s a few for now. Keef should really do this more often.
Keef on how Mick has a case of the Cisco Adlers in the nutsack area, but has a case of the Jon Gosselins in the dick area: “Marianne Faithfull had no fun with his tiny todger. I know he’s got an enormous pair of balls – but it doesn’t quite fill the gap.”
Keef on how his friendship with Mick made a sharp turn down “DO I HATE YOU OR NOT?” Road back in the 80s: “I used to love Mick, but I haven’t been to his dressing room in 20 years. Sometimes I think, ‘I miss my friend’. I wonder, ‘Where did he go?'”
Keef on why he thinks Mick brought the bitchery on him: “I’ve no doubt, in retrospect, that Mick was very jealous of me having other male friends. Maybe his exclusivity is bound up with his own siege mentality. Or maybe he thinks he’s trying to protect me: What does that asshole want from Keith?’ But quite honestly, I can’t put my finger on it.”
Keef on how he’ll be friends with Mick until the zombie hunters get them: “Because I love the man dearly; I’m still his mate. But he makes it very difficult to be his friend.”
Keef on his party days: “Some of my most outrageous nights I can only believe actually happened because of corroborating evidence. No wonder I’m famous for partying! The ultimate party, if it’s any good, you can’t remember it. You get these brief vignettes of what you did. ‘Oh, you don’t remember shooting the gun? Pull up the carpet, look at those holes, man.’ I feel a bit of shame and embarrassment. ‘You can’t remember that? When you got your dick out, swinging from the chandelier, anybody up for grabs, wrap it in a five-pound note?’ Nope, don’t remember a thing about it.'”
Keef on why he dropped the bad shit from his daily diet: “I don’t want to see my old friend Lucifer just yet. He’s the guy I’m gonna see, isn’t it? I’m not going to the other place, let’s face it. I’ve given up everything now – which is a trip in itself.”
Keef on Johnny Depp: “It took me two years before I realised who he was. He was just one of my son Marlon’s mates, hanging around the house playing guitar. I never ask Marlon’s mates who they are because, you know, ‘I’m a dope dealer.” Then one day I was at dinner and I’m like ‘Woah, Scissorhands.”‘
From now on, Johnny Depp should always be introduced as “WOAH, Scissorhands.” Always.