Kate Moss Is A Married Woman Now! (UPDATE: No, She’s Not)

October 14, 2010 / Posted by:

The details from The Mirror on Kate Moss’ secret August 7th wedding to her longtime line cutter Count Von Count are kind of hilarious. My guess is that Kate Moss is their “source” and she got so high on pink champagne bubbles that she passed out onto the cheese fondue fountain and woke up in an empty bath tub the next morning not remembering a damn thing. So she watched A Midsummer Night’s Dream, cut her shit with Pixy Stix and then called up The Mirror and used a foreign accent to give them all the details of “Kate Moss’ summer wedding to Jamie Hince.” And here they are:

The couple, who met in September 2007, chose to wed in a small, picturesque church on the Mediterranean island of Sicily, away from all prying eyes.

With only their closest friends in attendance, and Mossy’s daughter Lila Grace acting as one of three ring bearers, the whole day was relaxed, simple and, for Kate and Jamie, perfect.

“They planned the day for weeks and were so excited. Kate didn’t want a stuffy, formal do, but something spiritual.

“Minutes after tying the knot, the giggling newlyweds were outside the church, dancing under trees.”

Adds the source: “Afterwards locals from the village were milling about, joining in the festivities. It was an incredibly happy day.”

See what I mean. Dancing under the trees?! Who do they think they are? Sookeh in the fairy land? Gay hippies on the right kind of shrooms? Me if the tree’s branches were covered with sparkly dildos? There were definitely ecstasy pills in their canapes, or the “source” was eating ecstasy canapes before calling up The Mirror.

With all that being said, YAY for Kate and the man who has promised to hold her hair while she barfs last night’s party in the toilet for the rest of his life. And condolences to Dreamboat Doherty who is doing the crackie cry somewhere:

Should’ve been you, Dreamy! Should’ve been you!

UPDATE: Will somebody throw an empty bottle at Dreamy’s head, because he can stop bawling now. Kate Moss’ agent has taken this story, chopped it up, sprinkled it onto a metal spoon and smoked it up! Apparently, the wedding never happened and Kate Moss is not Mrs. Count Von Count.

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