The Madge of today would never ever write a letter that reads like it was written with a plastic heart pen by a 7th grader at sleepaway camp who only chews watermelon Bubblicious (“Ewww! Grody! Mint is yucky“, she says) and is soooo mad that she was forced to use yellow lined paper because she was out of her signature stationary, marbleized hot pink lined paper. Totally bites.
1991 Madge hates girls, hates Chicago, hates actresses, thinks Geena Davis is a plastic doll filled with factory air and thinks the dudes in Chicago are the opposite of hot. Here’s the transcript from LOT.
For some reason I thought you were angry with me – because I finked out as a judge at the “Love Ball”? Because I’m still nice to Herb Ritts?? Because my hair is the wrong color? I hope you will forgive me for all of the above. Because I cannot suffer any more than I have in the past month learning how to play baseball with a bunch of girls (yuk) in Chicago (double yuk) I have a tan, I am dirty all day and I hardly ever wear make-up. Penny Marshall is Lavern – Geena Davis is a Barbie doll and when God decided where the beautiful men were going to live in the world, he did not choose Chicago. I have made a few friends but they are athletes, not actresses. I hate actresses, they have nothing on the house of extravaganza. I wish I could come to N.Y and visit. Are you having a good Summer? Saw the piece in the N.Y Times Magazine. Great!! – I would love to do this book thing with you so lets talk soon.
THANKS ALOT STEVEN!!
Seriously, I don’t even think this generation’s Madge knows what “yuk” means. The only time she says “yuk” nowadays is when she puts on her fraudulent English accent to yell at her morning-shift cook for putting egg yolks on her breakfast plate. “You knoh that one dane’t eat the yuks! Fie the whites. Mustah this out of one’s face! Goodness me! Cheerio!”
Hopefully this will make Madge nostalgic for the old days of bitchery and she’ll go back to her old room at the HOUSE OF EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAAA to write more cuntified jewels like this on yellow lined paper.
And you know she folded that letter into an origami heart with “open my heart here” written on top of it.