Lindsay Lohan Needs To Get Her Coke Fix

If Dr. Drew wrote an episode of I Love Lucy, it would play out just like this story from Radar about Lindsay Lohan’s ZANY REHAB SHENANIGANS! So apparently, Betty Ford is a strict no-caffeine zone which has been pretty hard for LiLo. LiLo is used to waking up in a rest stop janitor’s closet and rolling over to the vending machine to get her morning pick-me up of choice: Cokie-Cola. Because Betty Ford doesn’t serve any kind of Coke on the premises, LiLo’s been forced to commit bumbling acts of buffoonery in order to get her fix.

A source tells Radar that LiLo somehow found out that the nearby Eisenhower Medical Center has a vending machine, so she enlisted the help of her personal Ethel to break out of Betty Ford to make a run for COKE! They would’ve made it to the other side, but LiLo’s stupid ass accomplice got caught after her clothes got tangled up on a fence (insert nervous laugh track here). The jig is up.

The source went on to say this mess, “Lindsay and her co-conspirator were forced to give it up and flag down a volunteer, who was crossing the center’s grounds on a golf cart. The pair was safely returned, decaffeinated, to their hall, where they were the center of a process meeting over what they had done.”

This story is the funniest thing to come out of LiLo’s life since she delivered a Lee Press-On-sponsored FUCK U to Judge Marsha, but I still have a hard time believing it’s made of truth. Why would LiLo throw her ass over a fence for a soda? White Oprah’s nostrils are wider and deeper than a power bottom elephant’s asshole, so she could easily sneak in a 2-liter Coke in a yard long glass WITH straw.