Dear Ladies Of Hollywood, Joan Collins Is Judging You

October 12, 2010 / Posted by:

Joan Collins, the official authority on glamour and elegance, thinks the Hollywood stars of today are a bunch of homely and sloppy ugly-ings who aren’t even beautiful enough to lay out her sleepin’ diamonds on her satin comforter before bed or spit shine the solid gold claws on her tub. They are so ordinary that Joan won’t even kick at them while they are scrubbing her marble floors!

Joan misses the old days of Hollywood when a woman’s beauty made the MGM lion roar. Nowadays, bitches can’t even get a meow out of an alley cat.

Joan straightened her wig, reapplied the sixth layer of lipstick on her lips and told Hello Magazine (via Vogue), “Perhaps actresses today, in their desire to be ‘taken seriously’, feel that being groomed and well put together detracts from the ability. I think that is why Cheryl Cole is so popular, because she is just so pretty and the public are starved of gorgeous people.

When I was young, everybody on screen was gorgeous. I have to say there aren’t many good-looking actresses around today. I mean there’s Angelina Jolie and… there’s Angelina Jolie. Jennifer Aniston is cute but I wouldn’t call her beautiful. She’s no Ava [Gardner] or Lana [Turner].

Well, we know who sleeps in a bedazzled Team Hypno Vag teddy. But Joan really does have a point. We don’t need our actresses to know how to act, we need them to be gorgeous at all times! The starving children of the world are fucking hongray, because there’s no gorgeous people out there for them to feed on!

Every time Charlize Theron puts on a pair of jeans instead of a diamante gown, a stomach growls somewhere! Every time Halle Berry only puts on lip chap instead of slathering her face in a Max Factor orgy, a bunny rabbit dies of starvation! Every time Sarah Jessica Parker, oh, bad example.

The point is that Cate Blanchett better put on a glamorous wig the next time she goes outside, or a starving child gets it!

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