Above is the newest cast member of The Real Broke Bitches of Buckhead County, Phaedra Parks, making her “Oh, I just loooove foie gras” face at a restaurant right before she ordered the foie gras she loves so much. That’s your “Oh, I just loooove foie gras” face too, right? You’ll have to settle with Phaedra as to who gets primary custody of that face. Don’t settle for weekends!
Anyways, after several dark months without parched wigs, Fashion Fair eye shadow in every shade and DWIGHT, The Real Housewives of Atlanta came back into my life last night. This is a good thing, because a thin layer of Malt-O-Meal was starting to form on the roof of my mouth from watching those lukewarm bland bitches on The Real Whocareswives of DC.
During last night’s episode, we met Businesswoman Lisa’s replacement Phaedra Parks, a self-proclaimed southern belle (more like a southern pekingese) who kept on about how she’s the epitome of a refined lady of the south. Yeah, we get it, Phaedra, you queef magnolias, you fart the theme song to Gone with the Wind and you hold a silk emerald green handkerchief to your nose whenever you take a shit. We get it.
The rest of the episode was devoted to unraveling the lies falling off of Dwight’s precious tongue the way slivers of a rainbow fall out of his no-no. Apparently, Dwight has been slithering all around Atlanta telling anybody with ears that he gave NeNe’s husband $10,000 and used $30,000 from his lip gloss fund to pay for Sheree’s fashion show last season.
And more importantly, there were quotes last night! Those whores may not know how to pay their bills, but they do know how to put shit into words and here’s 5 examples of that:
5. At an ultra EXCLUSIVE shoe party (aka a hotel room filled with heels from Off 5th and other outlets), NeNe confronted Dwight about his lie-telling ways.
That one can also be used on your man when he gets a little dick nectar in your eye on accident.
4. In a conversation with Kim, NeNe (who is the last person who should be pointing out someone’s nose job) called out Dwight for having nostrils the size of a gerbil’s urethra.
3. Sheree is putting her illustrious fashion career on hold to pursue acting. Hey, you never know when a dinner theater is going to put up a stage version of Midnight in the Garden of Evil. Here’s your Lady Chablis!
You won’t be laughing when you see Sheree’s trainer give her a piece of an Oscar Mayer hot dog ON STAGE at Westminster.
2. Sheree’s friend Lawrence delivered the phrase that many of us will use and abuse for years to come.
1. And finally, Kim Zolciak can add poet and philosopher to her resume thanks to this:
I now have a complete and accurate answer for every time I see the question “Give one sentence that best describes you” on an application.