The Best Thing To Come Out Of Twilight

October 4, 2010 / Posted by:

To me the cover of the first Twilight book is a warning that turning the first page is the equivalent of biting into a poisonous apple that will leave you foaming at the genitals and howling through the snatch at anything RPattz-related. Well, believe it or not the hands on the cover don’t belong to one of Satan’s minions. They belong to an actual person who wants it known that she’s been an important part of the sadistic cult that has eaten the souls of our youth (and our youths’ mothers).

40-year-old Massage therapist/hand and foot model Kimbra Hickey gave an interview to The New York Post about how she’s hoping to turn her Twilight gig into something bigger. Psychiatrists can quote this interview in The American Journal of Psychiatry when talking about the mental disease that is famewhorenia. Seriously, this mess is that good. Read for yourself:

Whenever Kimbra sees someone reading the book on the subway, she bothers their asses to let them know those are her hands on the cover. Kimbra put it mildly, “I’m sure they think I’m crazy — a crazy lady on the subway.”

One of Kimbra’s favorite pastimes is hanging out at the Barnes & Nobles near her Greenwich Village apartment and attacking bitches who are about to buy Twilight. Kimbra will gladly sign their book or let them trace her hands on the inside jacket.

Kimbra carries a Gala apple in her purse in case a Twihard asks her to recreate the pose live and in person.

Kimbra sells apple-scented hand lotion at Twihard conventions around the country.

Kimbra is trying to track down Twilight’s casting director to get a role in the last movie, “If I could get a little background part, it would be fantastic, even if they only wanted my hands in it.” Hand jobbing your way to fame: You’re doing it wrong, Kimbra.

“Crazier than a Twilight hand model” is the new “Crazier than an unmedicated Twitard.

But Kimbra is still one brave crazy. I mean, one day she’s going to run into the wrong amputee Twihard who is going to try to gnaw off her arms with their fake vampire teeth so they can attach that shit to their stumps. “I can’t wait!” – Kimbra

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