Michael Lohan Says Lindsay Lohan Is Doomed

Betty Ford is currently the place where Lindsay Lohan is trying to kill her nostril’s hunger for the bad shit dust and her throat’s craving for orange Creamsicle pills, but her ex-father tells UsWeekly that she’s wasting her time and money. The sundried turtle says that LiLo might as well have checked into Hedonism for treatment, because Betty Ford is nothing more an overpriced spa. Apparently, Michael should know since his stupid ass spent some time there.

Michael spat this mess out, “Look at the ‘short’ list of people who went to Betty Ford — most, if not all, have relapsed. I went there myself, and I will tell you, Betty Ford is a country club. They administer prescription meds and even put their patients on prescription meds. Once more, they don’t have family therapy at all. The root of her problems is her family. his will not work — mark my words! If Betty Ford gives her any prescription drugs, they become another enabler. Back to square one!”

“Skidmark my words” is more like it. Okay, 99% of what comes out of Michael Lohan’s mouth belongs at the bottom of an out of service Port-A-Potty off the Garden State Parkway, but he’s actually making sense here. Round up all the Lohans from Nana to 45-year-old Ali and throw them all into a room. Instead of giving all of us aches in our heads, eyes and ears, they can slowly destroy each other.

SPOILER ALERT: The only bitch that would come out of that room alive is Nana Lohan. She’ll have a piece of White Oprah’s ratty weave in one hand and Michael Lohan’s soul-killing cell phone case in the other.