WHY????!????

I can forgive the poly-blend platinum disaster on Xtina’s head that makes her look like she’s about to check into the halfway house for Hugh Hefner’s cast-off whores. I can also look past the fact that the color of her skin has even got Snooki saying, “Calm down on the naranja, bitch.” And I don’t even mind that her air kisses are probably made of castor oil and sponsored by MAC. But the one thing that I cannot ignore is THOSE EYEBROWS! Eyebrows ashy and sad for no reason!

Hook those brows up to an IV filled with Skin So Soft, and tell them it’s going to be okay. Those are some orphan child brows. Xtina’s brows are saying to me, “Please sir, I want some more.” More moisture that is, because they are looking parched! It’s like those thirsty brows have been crawling through the desert and licking on anything for moisture (examples: scorpion piss, camel sweat…)

How are you going to spend hours slathering your skin with orange shit until you look like the clit on an oven roasted chicken, but not spend any time with your brows? Those poor things are praying to the gods above that Xtina’s tarantula lashes swallow them up whole. “Put us out of our misery” brows. How dreadful.

But luckily for Xtina, not many people at the LACMA event last night noticed her dire straits brows. Everybody made themselves a plate, covered it in foil and went home as soon as they saw this vision hit the red carpet:

When Joan Collins shows up, you immediately go home to cry yourself to sleep over the fact that you will never be as glamorous as she is. So as soon as Xtina’s brows get out of ICU, she should send Joan a thank you letter.

Here’s some others who weeped at their own homeliness after laying eyes on Joan: Nicole Richie, Kim Kardassian with her pimp, Jaclyn Smith and James Franco.