Lindsay Lohan’s Twitter Confessional Co-Written By Jack Daniels!

When Lindsay Lohan admitted to having a problem via her Twatter, she didn’t write it from a beige chenille sofa with a cup of chamomile tea in front of her and a box of Kleenex on her lap (comment laced with pure sarcasm). UsWeekly says that Blohan’s Twatter confessional actually took place in the middle of Magnolia restaurant with a Jack & Coke in front of her and her friend’s laughs in her ear. Next you’re going to tell me that “Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father)” was not taken from a page out of Blohan’s personal childhood diary.

That hurt in your heart is what BETRAYAL feels like! Or maybe you just ate that sausage, egg and cheese croissant too fast. Just fart it out.

A witness-type says that they watched Blohan and her friends type out her Twitter statement on her Blackberry. Blohan and her coke crew laughed at the whole thing the way all of us laugh at the state of her career. The source explained it like this: “Her friend would say, ‘No, use ‘setback,’ don’t say ‘mistake.’ They’ll say you make mistakes all the time! The friend went on, ‘It’s better to say you’re responsible. Denying it will just get everyone mad per usual.’ She giggled and had her assistant order her another Jack and Coke.”

The source also says that Blohan thought it was hilarious that she was sipping on the sweet nectar while trying to pull all of our dicks. She apparently told her friends, “What are you gonna do? I’m ‘ill’.”

Blohan sent the final draft to her managers for approval before she posted it online.

And White Oprah is working hard at keeping her title as The Great Enabler. A different source claims she told her friends that her precious child will never go to jail, “Who cares if it’s true? Our new team is like a machine. They’ll squash this.”

Blohan will find out her fate tomorrow morning when she shows up to court. TMZ says that she could either get 30 days at Lynwood without early release, or she could be released that day due to overcrowding.

The most disappointing part of this story (if it’s true) is that Blohan drank whiskey! I mean, the dumb bitch still gets tested for drug and booze and so she’s wasting a fail on Jack Daniels! Weak ass whiskey. What kind of self-respecting junkie cokehead wants the words “tested positive for alcohol” on their record? Embarrassing. Bitch’s reputation is totally gone.

Here she is truly showing us that she has issues by wearing a jacked up outfit while leaving an Ana De Costa Jewelry event in L.A. yesterday.