People Joins The Party

September 22, 2010 / Posted by:

Star Magazine broke the rumor that while Demi Moore was busy flaunting her bikini body in make-shift camera phone bathroom shoots, her husband Ashton Kutchie took his wandering wang for a walk all over the vaginas of L.A. Ashton was “caught” tongue-ing some blonde piece in a hallway at a restaurant, and a 21-year-old trick named Brittney Jones claims that she spread her cooch on Demi’s couch while she was out of town filming a movie. Ashton has denied all of this.

In this week’s Star, they have the text messages Ashton and Brittney allegedly sent to each other before and after their parts slobbered on his sofa. The text messages are about as interesting as My Boss’s Daughter. It’s just basic shit like: “what are u wearing now?” and “Whens the next time you’re gonna have an empty house?“.

Radar says that Brittney is trying to take her whore game to the next level by hiring a manager and publicist. A source who knows Brittney says that she’s been obsessed with Ashton for a while and is going to milk this story the way she milked his peen, “I believe she did it. I’ve known Brittney for a while and her family is the same way. They’re all gold diggers… she probably took one look at Ashton and saw dollar signs.”

“Family of gold diggers” is the official motto on the Kardashian family crest, so that source better expect a copyright infringement lawsuit from Kris Jenner.

And People Magazine has now joined Star and Radar at the table. Although, People isn’t coming out and saying that Ashton is sticking his douche rod into any young ho who doesn’t start to melt when he rubs against her too fast (Well, Demi can’t help it!). People is crossing their legs, holding their white gloves in their hands and whispering that maybe there’s shit going down in Ashton and Demi’s marriage.

One of their sources said that everything is alright and the two gushed all over each other (smells like store bought silicone and vinegar) while Ashton visited with Demi on the set of her movie in Michigan, “She gushes over Ashton. You could hear them laughing in her trailer.”

But a different source said that Demi and Ashton are angry about the cheating rumors and have told their friends not to ask about it. The source said, “He got married young and, as crass as this sounds, never seemed to have his fill.”

It’s not 2006, so this post about Demi and Ashton is already way too long. But maybe Demi and Ashton have one of those open things. You know, she fills her face with whatever the plastic surgeon has on stock and he doesn’t say a thing about it. And he gets to fill his mouth with whatever winks at him in a bowling alley and she doesn’t say a thing about it. Whatever works for them! Or as Demi and Ashton probably think, whatever keeps them on the cover of People!

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