“For you, this is virgin territory” is what DWTS judge Bruno said to “teen advocate” Bristol Palin right after she moved around on the dance floor with her partner Mark Ballas. Bruno is truly a gift, because you know that line has been marinating on the tip of his unicorn tongue ever since he found out that Bristol was a contestant. I’m no Sookeh Stackhouse, but I could still read the minds of every trick in that audience. They were all thinking the exact same thing: TOO EASY. And Bristol herself made it too too easy (Bruno wrote that line).
First of all, Bristol danced to “Mama Told Me (Not To Come).” Mama should’ve told Levi not to cum. IF ONLY. But that song has always bothered me, because what kind of creepy ass mama cares if her child experiences the pleasure of a jizz bust or not? Focus on your own cum, mama!
Second of all, Bristol started off her performance in a bedazzled Sarah Palin-like serious suit and ripped it off shortly after. Bristol is trying hard to shock us, but her execution is shit! What kind of striptease was that?! An amputee turtle could’ve done a sexier striptease.
I mean, when Bristol let her bun out, she didn’t even whip her hair back and forth (Willow Smith is crying into her Converse leggings right now). Doesn’t Bristol know that you’re supposed to shake the homely out of your hair in order to summon the sexiness? Bristol just stood there like a flaccid dick in a cold shower. She needs to watch more 80s movies where the homely nerd becomes a sex goddess by taking off her glasses and shaking her bun out. This is your homework for the week, Bristol!
With all that being said, Bristol wasn’t the worst. I expected her to give us the second coming of Kate Gosselin by stomping around like she’s filled with concrete, but she didn’t. Michael Bolton took that honor. The judges told Bristol that she showed promise and they gave her a 6-6-6. The Illuminati works in mysterious ways (Second case in point: Sarah Palin used “OVER THE MOON” on her Twitter).
You know who else got a 6-6-6? My personal favorite Florence Henderson! This one’s for you, Greg:
As for the rest: The Hoff was as stiff as his drinks, Margaret Cho gave us a remake of the I Love Lucy “Dead Showgirl” episode, Jennifer Grey made me wish she never put her old nose in the corner, The Situation doesn’t have smooth moves like Ronnie, and the rest were just fine. And my guess for who won’t be picking up a check next week is either The Hoff or Ceiling Eyes.
Here’s some pictures from last night’s after party. I feel like I need to close the door on thumbnail #1, because I think we’re witnessing another conception.