End Of Days: White Oprah Has To Get A Job

September 20, 2010 / Posted by:

This is what it looks like at the Lohan house right now: the medicine cabinets are bare, the mirrors are completely clean and the Svedka vodka truck did not show up for its daily delivery due to non-payment. That’s because White Oprah’s main ho is in “desperate financial shape” and is about to snort up her last dollar. So THAT’s why the ginger cokeyhead went to a few AA meeting this past weekend. FREE POWDERED DONUTS! Hey, if you hum the theme song to Scarface while snorting up powdered sugar, you can almost get your brain to believe. Almost.

Sources close to Blohan tell Radar that she doesn’t have a pot to barf in and the entire Lohan family is feeling it. The source says, “Lindsay is in serious trouble financially. Dina is struggling to make ends meet and pay Lindsay’s lawyers and this latest development doesn’t help things. Everyone thinks the Lohan family is so well-off, but if they knew the truth, it would be shocking. She’s in a tight spot, the family’s in a tight spot. It’s really a sad situation.”

It’s times like this that White Oprah wishes Craigslist had a “Buy a Bride” section, because it’s a bitch calling sheik after sheik to try to sell off The Curious Case of Ali Lohan at fire sale prices. White Oprah would rather sell her kids’ internal organs to cannibals than get a real job. But somebody should still tell her that Fudgie the Whale just posted a want ad this morning looking for a slave to suck the fudgie dingles out of his asshole. White Oprah is at the top of his list of candidates!

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