Lock Up Your Granddaughters, Morgan Freeman Is Single!

The man who could make your bowel movements seem interesting by narrating them is no longer wearing a wedding band and is officially single. A judge in Mississippi stamped a DIVORCED label in red on Morgan Freeman’s marriage of 26 years to Myrna Colley-Lee. Morgan and Myrna actually quit each other in 2007, but she didn’t file for divorce until a year later, just days after he got into a car accident with a lady friend of the family. Yup, even God experiences car head gone wrong.

The details of Morgan and Myrna’s divorce have been sealed by the court, but Morgan’s lawyer tells E! that settlement negotiations went smoothly. Oh, I bet the last Strawberry Shortcake Bar in my freezer that it went smoothly. Myrna sashayed into the office of Morgan’s lawyer in her favorite red suit and demanded that he keep her burgundy Cadillac shiny or she’ll start singing about his Woody Allen ways to the media.

If you have no idea what I’m going on about, then maybe it’s better that way. I don’t want to ruin The Bucket List for you. Oh, okay. Let’s go over this again even though it’s as pleasant as pissing when you’ve got a boner.

The National Enquirer ran a story last year claiming that then 72-year-old Morgan has been secretly getting it on with his then 27-year-old step-granddaughter E’Dena Hines for 10 years. There were even rumors that Morgan and E’Dena were planning on getting married. This has always been filed under the “rumor” category since Morgan or E’Dena have never admitted it. It’s just something we whisper and laugh about whenever they walk by. But now that he’s no longer a married pepaw, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him and E’Dena browsing the bridal section at Justice.