The Mighty O Causes Mass Hysteria: Part 1,482,973

Today was the first episode of Oprah’s final season on ABC, so the audience probably figured that she would leave something free under their seats. Oprah Claus never disappoints. Oprah Claus also made those bitches scream, cry and wiggle for it (“Now you know how I feel!” – Gayle).

Oprah started the foreplay by showing a clip from an old show where she took the entire audience to Philadelphia. And then Oprah whipped out the Q-tip which made her audience start the drips. Then she brought the Q-tip closer which made them practically chew their own tongues off. And then when she waved that Q-tip right in their faces, they almost turned inside/out from anticipation. It was like watching dozens of alley cats in heat begging for a damn scratch! Oprah finally quit the teasing and whipped out the 9″ inch boner: THEY ARE ALL GOING TO AUSTRALIAAAAAAAAAAAA! Heads exploded, legs fell off, organs combusted, kangaroos went deaf, babies ate dingos, the Sydney Oprah (unfortunate typo) House collapsed etc… etc…

While everyone in the audience danced on a rainbow, Oprah then told them that John Travolta would be the one flying them there. Way to shit on a buzz, Oprah! The audience pretended to be excited, but they knew that the 22-hour long flight to Perth would now be filled with Scientology audits and a shirtless John Travolta winking at them in the lavatory/sauna. Boo.