At the opening of Kat Von D’s new gallery in West Hollywood last night, Vanilla Gorilla looked like he had just opened his eyes after being passed out for days in the backseat of an Impala from a beer and whippit binge. And Kat Von D was as smug as White Oprah licking on a Fudgie the Whale cake. So this could mean only one thing: THEY’RE IN LOVE! Pop your warts and let the pus flow in celebration of this free clinic-approved union!
The original Bombshell McGross has probably been crawling up Vanilla Gorila’s leg to get to his dick for years, so of course she’s gushing from every open orifice about how he’s “the one” and how they truly belong together. Bitch is right. These two are written in the sars (don’t you dare take a red Sharpie to that typo).
Sounding like a 13-year-old girl who is trying to sound like a grown ass woman, Kat told People last night:
On how she keeps count of all her boyfriends: “Jesse is only my ninth boyfriend. I don’t hang out with anybody unless I am in love.”
On when she realized she wanted to take a ride on Vanilla Gorilla’s leather couch of slut jizz: “Was it when we were playing Scrabble? I don’t remember. But it was something like that – when we both realized how nerdy we were.”
On Vanilla Gorilla’s divorce from Sandra Bullock: “I stayed away from that as much as possible, and when we connected recently, it was such a positive thing. It was just like, ‘Wow, I can’t believe I haven’t spent this much time with you the entire time I’ve known you.’ Now I’m just embracing it and enjoying it.”
Playing Scrabble? Bitches are really trying to sound like two wholesome teenagers circa 1960. Yeah, I’m sure when Vanilla Gorilla played “endlosung” it just sent a warm tingle to Kat’s heart strings.
The best part is that when People asked Vanilla Gorilla if he was happy, he grunted out a “Yeah.” And you know he farted on mute at the same time too.
It’s always nice when a hongray crack house rat finally finds a piece of maggot-ridden cheese to nibble on, so good for them. But maybe Kat Von D can take a few moments out from humping Vanilla Gorilla’s jock to go find a wig that doesn’t make her look like a biker bar hooker version of Lily Munster. That gutter ass wig was made to be snatched and donated to a family of rodents that need a home. And while Kat is doing that, maybe she can get Vanilla Gorilla’s stupid ass an outfit that doesn’t make him look like a vato abuelito who is doing it all wrong.