A dozen blind items have just lit up, because they have finally found their answers. Maybe. Star Magazine is gently pressing a “My Name Is Asshole Ashton” sticker over Ashton Kutcher’s cardigan for him to wear to Tiger Woods’ monthly fuck party for professional peen passers and their admirers. A witness tells Star that they saw Ashton spreading his saliva all over the mouth of a “hot young blonde” outside of the bathrooms at Madeo in Los Angeles. Twitter will get doused with a hurricane of douche water in 3..2..
This witness had this to say about catching Ashton, “Ashton had this gorgeous girl pinned against the wall, and he was totally making out with her. I was shocked to see him sucking face with a girl who obviously wasn’t Demi.” A friend of Demi’s says she has no idea that Ashton is down low dicking another chick, “All along, Demi was told it would never work, that he’s going to cheat. When she finds out that it happened, she’ll be devastated.”
There’s a few things in this story that make it hard for me to swallow (insert your sloppy blow job joke here) as truth. Ashton does look like he caught flies with his mouth by the window when he was a child, but is he really that dumb to make out with his trick whore in a public place?! And not any public place, but a restaurant that is crawling with celebwhores and paparazzi? At least take that slut into a men’s room stall and make her stand on the toilet seat so nobody sees her feet.
And why would Ashton hump on another when he’s got this at home. I linked to this yesterday, but it really does deserve an encore performance:
No one with working genitals would ever cheat on a woman who dances like a geriatric jerk chicken with an Ecstasy addiction and a diploma from Diane Horner’s School Of Country Hip Hop Moves. NOT GUILTY!